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Apathy Anxiety, Depression, And Panic Attacks
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AuthorTopic:  Apathy Anxiety, Depression, And Panic Attacks
mel spitson

Total Posts: 2
Member Since: 2017
posted Monday, March 20, 2017 5:01:21 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for mel spitson
This is a long ass post about anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. If you don't suffer from it, or aren't interested... don't bother reading this.
I've dealt with anxiety for almost all of my life. Later on it turned in to panic attacks... and eventually agoraphobia and derealization. When I was a teenager, in the mid 90's, I had never even heard the term "panic attack", and just thought "anxiety" was a simple case of feeling a little anxious. At the time I was studying some really heavy shit. Existentialism (questioning reality and my own existence), metaphysics, religion and crazy conspiracy theories. Like EXTRA crazy ones. All of that stuff made it worse, and I had an unquiet, paranoid, stressed out mind state. I was dead broke, dropped out of high school, constantly traveling to NYC... getting stuck in the city with no money or help.
When I would have panic attacks, my friends didn't understand... and they would get annoyed that I was bugging out. One of my friends called me "Two Fingers" because I'd constantly be checking my pulse on my neck, cuz I literally thought I was having a heart attack.
There was no rhyme or reason for how the panic attacks would hit me. It would happen in a car, at dinner in a restaurant, chillin at home, at a store... and the scariest ones are when I would wake up in the middle of the night in full blown panic.
It feels like a bad high. Like the adrenaline you experience when you're about to fight, or in the middle of a fight. That's due to the fight or flight response that your brain is inappropriately shooting through your body. Fight or flight is cool... if you're trying to escape a tiger or some shit.. or about to get jumped. But it fucks you over when you're in a movie theater and you feel like you're about to die, for no reason.
So all of this shit was wreaking havoc on my life for years. And then one day... it just stopped. Like... completely stopped. For no reason. It was gone for 8 whole years. I didn't even think about it anymore. And then slowly it came back.... and it was worse than ever.
It crept back in gradually. I'd have limited symptom panic attacks, and the feeling of having to escape whatever situation I was in, when I felt shitty. I felt claustrophobic in planes on long flights and panic would shoot through my body.
I thought something might be wrong with me neurologically. Did I have a blood clot in my brain or something? Was I about to have a stroke or an aneurism? I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me.
The panic attacks fucked up so much shit in my life. I became a burden again, and an annoyance to my friends.
When we were working on the second Get Busy Committee album, my panic and anxiety turned in to agoraphobia (which means you have a fear of leaving your house). Sometimes I wouldn't even leave my bedroom. When Ryu set up the shoot for the "Opening Ceremony" video for GBC, they wanted me to fly to LA. I couldn't even go to the store down the street... so the thought of getting on a plane sounded about as appealing as dropping acid, being locked in a coffin and buried alive for 6 hours. Not happening. That's why in the video, the people doing my verse had on a skull mask. I wasn't in it.
I still didn't really understand what was going on with me, and I had no medical insurance... so I went to a walk in clinic. The doctor at the walk in clinic was a regular ass doctor with no experience with this kinda shit... and looked at me like I had 7 heads when I explained what I was going through. He prescribed me anti depressants.
That's when all hell broke loose. The improper medication, made my symptoms WAYYYY fucking worse, and made me SEVERELY depressed. My wife (who was my girlfriend at the time), had just moved back to CT from Philly to be with me... and she came back right in the middle of this shit storm. She made me fight. It hurt so much, and there were days where I didn't have the balls to kill myself... but I would've been happy to not wake up the next day. I would sob for no reason in the middle of the day.
Also forgot to mention... my father was dying of cancer at the time. So it was mega dark times.
Nothing made me happy. Food was blah to me. Nothing felt normal. I wanted to find answers and any time I talked to anyone, it was all I would talk about.
Even when she would force me to get out of the house, and do something as simple as go grocery shopping... it felt like Hell. At this point I discovered what I would later find out to be "derealization". Derealization is when you feel like "life isn't real". It feels like you're watching TV through your eyes and you're completely disconnected from the normal physical experience. Saying it's uncomfortable is an understatement.
I was absolutely DESPERATE for answers that no one seemed to have. I paid $350 for an audio book set that I found online... that helped me a little... but still wasn't enough. I went to a few different therapists who fronted like they dealt with anxiety and panic, but didn't do shit to help my severe case.
I felt like I would have this issue for the rest of my life. Like I would never travel again or do simple things.
I kept scouring the internet, trying to contact some form of mental health provider. There was little to NO help. I felt alone, misunderstood and like no one had answers.
Finally Janina brought me to a place called The Institute Of Living, in Hartford CT. They wouldn't even start therapy with me until I got all the drugs out of my system. I had to wait months to see them, to ween myself off Xanax, which I was addicted to at that point.
They taught me exposure therapy, and other good techniques to cope. Awareness and knowledge of panic and anxiety disorders are a lot better than they were even back in 2010. But mental health help is still severely lacking in this country.
A few years ago, I read about a guy here in Connecticut, who was having mental issues... and he pretty much wanted to die. I'm pretty sure he was a soldier... a young vet.
He tried to call a whole bunch of places, and they gave him the run around... and told him he'd have to wait for like 6 months to be seen. When you're going through mental Hell, 6 DAYS feels like an eternity. Never mind 6 fucking months. He ended up shooting a cop and killing himself. I wish I could've found him and talked to him.
If you're going through this shit... keep fighting. There IS help out there.
And also... it DOES pass. It might even come back here and there... I know mine does. But life is awesome... and it can be better. I promise.
I'm alive. I have an incredible wife and the most beautiful daughter.
I still fight with anxiety. But I know what it is now. And I know how to fight it. Hang in there. Don't give up. It hurts so much. But fight that shit.

ap wrote this

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Total Posts: 4533
Member Since: 2004
Location: Cleveland www,es1koosh,bandcamp,com www,soundcloud,com/essential1 eseph84 on discogs
posted Monday, March 20, 2017 5:15:17 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for eseph84   Click Here to Email eseph84

Partial IP: .56.89.154

tha $pace clock

Total Posts: 1497
Member Since: 2014
Location: London
posted Monday, March 20, 2017 5:48:20 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for tha $pace clock

Partial IP: .50.35.186

fool blast

Total Posts: 1590
Member Since: 2016
posted Monday, March 20, 2017 6:06:19 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for fool blast
peace to ap. i've dealt w/ this alot over the years.

nothing has helped me more than dry fasting (no food or water for over a day).

theres some good info about it here:

other things that have helped:

hypnosis audio while sleeping (paul mckenna, paul santisi)

listening to lectures from vernon howard & alan watts

meds helped a little (propranolol, prozac) but i had to get off em. theres more natural ways to get rid of it like fasting

occasionally weed & shrooms.

also a book called panic away by barry mcdonaugh. theres a couple exercises in there that are very effective

Partial IP: 181.147.69


Total Posts: 1395
Member Since: 2001
Location: The Sewer
posted Monday, March 20, 2017 7:49:24 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for Decepticon_1_Galvatron
peace and blessings to Apa...

Partial IP: .186.54.33

Clockworx (Admin)

Total Posts: 34429
Member Since: 2012
Location: The burbs of NJ
posted Monday, March 20, 2017 8:27:51 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for Clockworx
Damn thats some real shit. Was this in response to something/someone or did he just decide to open up about it impromptu?

I've seen someone have a panic attack before and shit is scary. Like freeze up, no movement at all type of shit. Shit is no joke. Glad he's doing better.

No lie its threads like this that make me wish ETW still posted on here.

Partial IP: 70.219.120


Total Posts: 608
Member Since: 2017
Location: The World
posted Monday, March 20, 2017 8:37:16 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for SC1989
Were the source at?

Partial IP: .29.165.62

fool blast

Total Posts: 1590
Member Since: 2016
posted Monday, March 20, 2017 10:25:20 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for fool blast
i like when people you wouldn't expect open up about this. esp. athletes, cause it shows that it can't be cured physically & the answer isn't to 'tough it out'. you got some wires crossed up & its very difficult to break those thinking patterns. dontrelle willis & ricky hatton had career ending meltdowns a few years back, ricky williams's 30 for 30 on espn was very relatable to me. he just wanted to live in seclusion, smoke weed & not talk to anyone.

the first time i took propranolol, i thought for sure it was the cure. the anxiety part of my brain shut off for a couple hours, but it wasn't like xanax, it was a light, clean feeling. but after the first week that feeling never came back. and i ended up taking it for like 8 months.

in rza's book, he talked about going kinda crazy after his first album. where he would walk around at night talking to himself. haha thats ocd/anxiety type behavior. another artist that talks about this alot in his music is mf grimm.

Partial IP: 181.147.69


Total Posts: 13779
Member Since: 2004
Location: iLL nigga alert, iLL nigga alert
posted Monday, March 20, 2017 10:35:45 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for LiquidDo$e
CW....on a scale of 1 to 10 how scared were you when you saw someone having a panic attack?

Partial IP: .37.16.202


Total Posts: 4533
Member Since: 2004
Location: Cleveland www,es1koosh,bandcamp,com www,soundcloud,com/essential1 eseph84 on discogs
posted Tuesday, March 21, 2017 8:30:49 AM    Click Here to See the Profile for eseph84   Click Here to Email eseph84
i woulda never guessed ap was goin thru all this, vinnie talks about it more in the last few years, too.

for years i idolized these talented dudes and thought they were living the life.

its crazy, u never know how much they struggle, too. in fact, the bigger the star, usually worse are the issues.

for years now i felt social anxiety and a little weird(quick to get angry/wanna leave early) at partys/family functions, i'll be honest, unless i'm really drunk or ripped, but i never needed any depression/anxiety meds and overall i guess my shit ain't as bad as it could be. i've never felt that i have to stay in, that would suck balls

my heart goes out to you fool blast

(note: no im not always miserable at every party/family function if their isn't smoke/drink involved, but those events when that is present i seem to really relax and enjoy it as if i'm in my element lol, don't judge nobody's perfect, I could always be making even worse recreational choices like I did in my 20's)

Partial IP: .56.89.154

dan issel 2 inch vertical

Total Posts: 325
Member Since: 2007
Location: When people use secondary accounts and proxies i grow more powerful
posted Tuesday, March 21, 2017 10:27:57 AM    Click Here to See the Profile for dan issel 2 inch vertical

wall o'text

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Total Posts: 13960
Member Since: 2008
Location: every wigger is a star
posted Tuesday, March 21, 2017 10:54:24 AM    Click Here to See the Profile for 88
a very close person in my life has anxiety/depression/sleep disorder, and it's the fucking worst thing in the world.

Partial IP: 123.195.66


Total Posts: 12
Member Since: 2004
posted Tuesday, March 21, 2017 6:12:55 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for jodiff
i've been through shit like this, too and this here most likely saved my life a few years ago:

Partial IP: 18.170.122


Total Posts: 12832
Member Since: 2014
Location: Hillary Clinton is an uncle Tom
posted Wednesday, March 22, 2017 6:40:41 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for Jay-eL
I had panic attacks so bad i couldnt breathe for a while. I was on the top of my drug dealing game and had been doing e, starting everyday with a speedball and some meth and then dilaudids. I was trying to stay high on black and maintain my job.

Trying to make a long story short here.

Anyway i had a panic attack driving back from work and an ambulance had togetme cause i couldnt breath. Panic attacks seemed to come on when i was driving but i had a three hour drive to make my pick ups for dope.

I ended up driving over the mountain pass with a paper bag duct taped to my face and a 3 hour drive took almost twelve cause i kept pulling over to try and fight the right chemical solution to my anxiety. I never found it.

At one point i passed out behind the wheel at an intersection and had a dream that the light turned green. I hit the gas and ran right into the truck in front of me. I was a mess arguing with the cop and shit. They were blaming me for damage i clearly didnt do. Anyway they eventually just went away and never came back.

Partial IP: 99.131.165

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