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3. Verse On This Forum.
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AuthorTopic:  3. Verse On This Forum.

Total Posts: 13
Member Since: 2016
Location: Surrey.BC.Canada.
posted Tuesday, December 19, 2017 8:34:05 PM    Click Here to See the Profile for robby.j
Sup forum, wrote another short verse on my break from work figured i post it on here.

wrote the verse to this beat here if you wanna give it a try/ get the feel


Burn tracks to ash's thats nothing to me
I be cutting like slash for grabs dash
like the flash i learn to inpack like
crash from rushing to flee oh well i shock
any like cardiac arrest knocking your
chest to lock entry this aint no test
better vest up against me amigo to loco
my moto so nuelvo addressed only me as
correcto on mics i be serving it right i
say boldy consise to points i strike like
knights imerging bright as satelites.

Again any feedback is appreciated/thanks again for taking the time to read this hope your day is lit fam. peace

Partial IP: 224.194.89

\Saga Sphinx/

Total Posts: 3479
Member Since: 2003
Location: London, England
posted Wednesday, December 20, 2017 6:21:34 AM    Click Here to See the Profile for \Saga Sphinx/   Click Here to Email \Saga Sphinx/
Welcome, Robbie.
I can see the foundation in this, but the walls feel a little loose. It comes across as a little bit choppy to be honest. Try writing a longer verse. Sometimes my verses tighten themselves up halfway through coz I feel invested in bettering the previous line, & if need be I go back & clean up the beginning. Works for me.

Partial IP: 94.245.216

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